If there's one thing I learned from being in the Jehovah Witnesses for 19 years, it's that what people like to refer to as the truth, is very often just misguided hope. The actual truth, considering how little we can really know about it, usually turns out to be slightly less convenient.
As early in life as I can remember, I had to attend boring religious meetings, three times a week. About one-hundred persons in a "kingdom hall" would proceed to read a few pages from a book or article written and printed by the organization. Someone would read out loud, others would take care of carrying a set of microphones along the rows of seats. People would raise their hand to get a chance to share their "personal" answer to one of several questions they were supposed to have prepared for in advance; pretty one-sided questions. This could last up to two hours (including some depressingly repetitive monologues); at the end we had to stay for a while still, to fraternize. Little could I know that what I was witnessing was not Jehovah, but the mind-control tactics of a religious cult. It's not as if I really had a choice; although it taught me quite a bit about patience.
I was made to memorize prefabricated answers to provide when teachers or other children would question why I wasn’t celebrating holidays or why I didn’t want them to sing me Happy Birthday. I was told that the end was near and that every single person on Earth was about to die, except us and those whom we could manage to save. Around the age of 6 or 7, I was warned against making friends with pretty much anyone around me. The reasoning was that if I became close with non-Jehovah Witnesses, I would be very sad watching them die on the day of Armageddon; and Armageddon was coming soon. It’s still coming soon. I’m not afraid about God murdering my friends anymore, but it did teach me about what careless dishonesty can do to the mind of a child.
As early in life as I can remember, I had to attend boring religious meetings, three times a week. About one-hundred persons in a "kingdom hall" would proceed to read a few pages from a book or article written and printed by the organization. Someone would read out loud, others would take care of carrying a set of microphones along the rows of seats. People would raise their hand to get a chance to share their "personal" answer to one of several questions they were supposed to have prepared for in advance; pretty one-sided questions. This could last up to two hours (including some depressingly repetitive monologues); at the end we had to stay for a while still, to fraternize. Little could I know that what I was witnessing was not Jehovah, but the mind-control tactics of a religious cult. It's not as if I really had a choice; although it taught me quite a bit about patience.
I was made to memorize prefabricated answers to provide when teachers or other children would question why I wasn’t celebrating holidays or why I didn’t want them to sing me Happy Birthday. I was told that the end was near and that every single person on Earth was about to die, except us and those whom we could manage to save. Around the age of 6 or 7, I was warned against making friends with pretty much anyone around me. The reasoning was that if I became close with non-Jehovah Witnesses, I would be very sad watching them die on the day of Armageddon; and Armageddon was coming soon. It’s still coming soon. I’m not afraid about God murdering my friends anymore, but it did teach me about what careless dishonesty can do to the mind of a child.
Being a teenager wasn’t easy either; it was even harder. Before I even knew what an erection is, I was warned against the dangers of homosexuality, masturbation, pornography and adultery. Years before I could even grasp the concept of flirting, I was warned that flirting is a very bad and dangerous thing to do. Useless to say, I was never to have a girlfriend; never to hang out with chicas without adult supervision. One day, I could get married with one single, virgin female, and that wasn’t anywhere close to happening. And so I did what humans do best: I adapted. I masturbated; and felt guilty for it. So here I am, almost 30 years old, never really learned much about flirting techniques, but I have learned that it is always better to be honest than manipulative.
Instead of having fun and learning the skills I could now benefit from as an adult, I spent hundreds and hundreds of hours going door to door, every Saturday morning (and other days of the week too). I would grab all my courage and knock at the door; if given a chance to talk, I would repeat what I was indoctrinated into believing. Thanks to this, I’ve probably faced more rejections during my teenage than you could ever face in your lifetime. It was systematic door-after-door rejection; with a few exceptions. So I missed out on all of the peaceful awakenings (and morning cartoons); but I did learn that it is possible to be incredibly courageous despite being completely terrified.
It was near the end of my teenage that I finally started to rebel. Seeing how I was questioning her faith and refusing to attend church, my mother became frightened, even terrified that I might not be granted eternal life after all. The abominable idea that she could spend the rest of eternity living "happily" in paradise, having failed to save me from her loving God's wrath; that she just couldn't handle. Looking back, I now suspect that my mom was probably suffering from emotional trauma. Having been abused herself, she must have been a perfect target for cults at the time. I do realize that religion wasn't the cause of all her psychological issues; however, it certainly acted as a catalyst and it also prevented her from ever seeking professional help. In the business of witnessing Jehovah, public image is unfortunately more important than anybody's health.
Even today, I'm forced to admit that although I was able to escape by developing some basic critical thinking skills, the mind programming has still been partially successful. I’m not always happy but somehow, I stay under the impression that I should always look as if I am. In social situations involving more than two people, I am often so worried about external judgment that I just shy away from opportunities to make new friends (social anxiety/phobia appears to be a common issue among people who have escaped from mind-control based religions). It makes me mad that even though I've completely changed my mind and try my best to view things rationally, I still sometimes find myself acting exactly the way I was conditioned to, as a child. I can see perfectly well why people would allow others to tell them how to act or think; even a perverted guide like religion can sound attractive if only compared to the frightening thought of being left accountable.
Although not a JW myself, I certainly can relate to much of what you're saying here. Very brave of you to say it too. I appreciate you for speaking up.
ReplyDeleteAnother nice post.
ReplyDeleteI guess that every religion has the same basis. The more you stay with the same group of person, the more you "sympatize", the more you come to accept that group as family and you will want to hang with them. As you hang with a group of person, you will be more often than not be talking of what happen "in the hall". And if you dare to mix up with outsider, they know that you can be subject to "contamination" and be lead into the dark side of the force! So they have to find a way to scare you from having contact with them!
The best thing that happen in your life was to actually be able to meet other people and be able to see other point of view. Also, one great thing about you was that you were always open mided (as far as I remember...), which helped you to actually use that "contamination" and think about it. Because, let's be honnest, you probably know, as much as a do, a bunch of people that have a deep belief and will never be able to let those new ideas in because they lack that openess...either because they dont want to be wrong or because they are scared to be, wether it is religion or other concepts.
Michel
I was also brought up in a cult-like religion.(Worldwide Church of God) attending Church on Saturdays no christmas, easter, birthdays etc just like you. I have also escaped. Thankyou for an enlightening story
ReplyDeleteMelissa V
I think most if not all religious groups leaders maintain control of their 'flock' through fear tactics and intimidationary tactics because they know very well that if they let up on their followers for a second, they may randomly start to question the scriptures, maybe question why? and the religious leaders who know its all b.s. written by men to control men, just use it as a control mechanism for whatever reasoning they have with themselves to want to control and manipulate others. So onward the go with confused selected scripture talk aimed at only keeping their followers confused thus dependant on them for translation and representation to their so called GOD, that they may get a 1000 virgins when they die or not go to hell, that their soul be cleansed - all assumptions without proof nor evidence, only enforcible through fear and the main one = fear of violence ie. to the extreme = execution.
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